Divorce involves several losses. There is, of course, the loss of the marriage and the couple relationship. There may also be other losses, which might include losses of status, of a projected future, of friends, among others. Whenever there is a loss, there is a natural grieving process. The grieving process is normal in divorce, no matter the divorce process chosen. Psychologist Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified 5 stages to grieving:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance.
You may not go through all of these stages in a divorce – you may go back and forth between stages and you might even go through them several times and through various stages simultaneously.
Each party to a divorce will go through these grief stages on his or her own time schedule. Other emotions are also common, including shame and blame. At times, these very normal emotions can feel like they are intruding on your life, and feel overwhelming. Anxiety about a future that cannot be known for some time can also intrude. Fortunately, for most people these stages of grief are temporary and will eventually lead to acceptance. Recognize that you and your spouse will be going through a grief cycle. Anger, denial, or depression you or your spouse may feel today will likely change into something else.
The normal emotion of anger can be particularly corrosive if not viewed as part of a normal grieving process. Keep in mind that the anger you feel yourself, or the anger that might be coming towards you may well be temporary. When angry or responding to anger, it can be easy to over-react. Keeping that in perspective might allow you to avoid taking action you might later regret.
Choosing a Collaborative Divorce can be particularly helpful. The likelihood of over-reacting to a normal emotion is substantially reduced, because in a Collaborative Divorce both parties have committed to resolve conflict without using the courts, and many Collaborative Divorce professionals have training in helping you keep emotions that might otherwise overwhelm in perspective.