It is often said there are two divorces: the legal divorce and the emotional divorce.
The legal divorce is generally considered to be the practical part of the divorce. The legal divorce is the part that deals with important practical parts, such as how property and debt will be divided, what child support and spousal maintenance will be paid (if any), how the children will be parented, and, of course, changing the legal status from married spouses to unmarried individuals. The duration of the legal divorce depends on the applicable substantive laws and procedural rules, as well as how fast the parties can and want to settle.
The emotional divorce is less defined by time. Many people report that it takes two or more years after the divorce decree has been signed for the emotional divorce to occur. The emotional divorce involves the grieving process, but also a lot more -- all the emotions that result when the dream of the marriage has comes to an end, and the ensuing adjustments. There are some people who never fully go through an emotional divorce, and stay stuck in the pain of their marriage -- you may know some of them. Ongoing acrimony and unresolved issues can prolong the emotional divorce.
Any legal process necessarily focuses on the legal divorce. Adversarial processes recognize that an emotional divorce occurs, but generally lack the luxury of being able to give little more than lip service to the emotional divorce, usually with a referral to a therapist. Legal procedures, and time schedules set by court rules, necessarily take priority.
By contrast, honoring and respecting the emotional divorce is central to the collaborative divorce process. It needs to be, because emotions are often a key element to settlement. The collaborative divorce process therefore needs to be well-suited to placing divorcing individuals in a space where they can productively process their emotions so healing can occur. While neither healing nor the emotional divorce is actually part of a collaborative divorce, the collaborative divorce process needs to be -- and is -- gentle and adapted to allow the emotional divorce to productively progress. The process gently and respectfully step out of the way so healing may occur. Working with the emotional divorce is an important part of collaborative divorce training, and within the skill sets of many experienced collaborative divorce attorneys.
A coach, trained in counseling, is often used in collaborative divorce cases to help the spouses. Because the collaborative divorce process is a legal process that is focused on a legal divorce, good coaching will be limited to efficiently preparing divorcing spouses so they can productively participate in discussions for resolution of their legal divorce. Coaches will also provide information to the attorneys to better facilitate the collaborative divorce. Consistent with its purpose, coaching is short in duration and not confidential. The coach's office is therefore not the place to process the more time-intensive emotional divorce -- that is best addressed in private and in confidence with an individual therapist who can work with divorcing spouses at their own pace. The goal of the coach is to help clients get "unstuck" so they can talk about what is most important to them in their legal divorce, thereby enhancing the likelihood of reaching resolution.
Two divorces. One divorce.